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Apr 8, 201008Apr10i am getting sad again. sad is not the best word. i feel…. hated. i know people don’t like me. no matter how nasty people are to me, i am kind. the old kill it with kindness thing. guess what? it’s not working. yes, yes i know that i should stand up for myself. i was told once that “you have brought all this on yourself”. i know. but i just desperately want companionship. i can’t help but be kind. yes i know it makes me look like i’m weak and people prey on that. but at this point.. i don’t care. i would do anything for friendship. humans aren’t supposed to be this isolated. i mean, i’m not deformed. but my soul is absolutely aching, friggin screaming in desperation for companionship. i can’t do this anymore. my only social contact is my coworkers. i went to a bar 3 years ago when i first got here. and i made an ass out of myself. i wound up talking unknowingly to my coworkers’s fiance and said something friggin dumb. also, this coworker said s/he would should me around town. this person is a life long residnent of this town, and i moved 50 miles away to be near my job. this person said s/he would show me around.

the first weekend i was here, i called them up on my first Saturday night. they knew i was moving in and was talking to them about it all week. when Sat came, i called them and they said ‘i can’t. i’m busy’. when i went into work, i talked to them again, and they said, “I’m busy…. this Month.” I was devastated. it was december. i spent the whole month alone. of course i told people i was doing thing. yes, i know i shouldn’t have done that, cuz then they would think i was busy. but i had to do it for myself.

i am 33 now. but when i was younger, i mean like 11-13, i had friends. i remember thinking how much strength having friends gave me. i would do little middle school things with them, sleepovers, the mall. then when Mon came, i felt good. but now, it like after spending the whole weekend alone, when i come in on Monday, i am like desperate to talk to my co workers. they’re not desperate to talk to me of course.

they’re still wishing it was the weekend. i want monday. cuz i need… someone. i mean i am DESPERATE. you see, when i was 15, my best friend moved away to North Carolina. i knew she was moving, but i couldn’t wrap my head around it. when she left, i couldn’t function. i hid in the bathroom stall during lunch, afraid to sit alone at a lunch table. i began smoking cigarettes. i would something hang around with the cigarette smoking crowd. they were no where near as smart as me, or in any of my advanced placement classses, but some would talk to me, or at least they would let me laugh at my jokes. one girl thought i was flirting with her boyfriend. she and her sister beat me up. i said i was going to kill myself and was put in an adolescent mental hospital. during my junior year, i went to an alternative school. i had to be bused 90 minutes each way every day. in senior year, i went back to my original school and hid and was quiet. in college i starting using heroin. i eventually became a prostitute. i am a dog.

needless to say… “Yes please, may i have some friends. Please give me a big helping of friends.”

tears are in my eyes now. i have let myself get fat. i don’t care. do you? i certainly don’t. why should i? i smoke 2 packs a day and i smell like cat piss. i don’t care. i would if someone cared. yes don’t tell me that “in order to love other people and to be loved, you must first love yourself.”… Um.. no… i’m a little too beyond that. i missed the foundation. i missed the first ‘class’. i missed some integral lesson. i need someone to help me first before i can even Think about being a person.

This is truly what abyssimal self esteem is. i need love so badly. i know God loves me. please help. i am in need of some serious healing. even a little bandaid would help.

by the way.. all this today is simply because of my coworkers didn’t say ‘hi’ to me. i am so lonely. i want to sleep forever.

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Apr 5, 201005Apr10Monday. i always feel refreshed on Mondays. Saw my family. Just me, my significant other, mom, dad and youngest sister. no extended family. that means less stress. Also, i want to keep the religious feeling going, especially now after Easter. i am Catholic. could be a better Catholic tho.

One of the things i thought this morning is try to envision myself enveloped by a white glow of Christly light. If i can do this, then i will be protected from the viciousness of J and D. I can do it. Need help. I think that envisioning myself in a protective glow of God will be enormously helpful. Cuz then i’m not doing anything alone. God is with me. And also, i do sincerely love my significant other.

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Mar 29, 201029Mar1011:11am – Monday. At least that person who treats me like shit has left the office… at least for the morning. S/he does not even say hello to me. I cannot stand being treated like that. Oh well, at least i am feeling creative today. Also, Easter is is coming up soon. I need to stay focused.

1:18pm – Trying to do a design. doing… ok. but now i don’t car about my work. why should i? my boss doesn’t even look at it. i am not a kiss ass. i just want people to look at my art. it’s my job. at this point, however, i mostly just use clip art and say it’s mine. why bother trying? i used to try, but stopped cuz people stopped looking at my art. oh well. fuck me.

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Mar 26, 201026Mar10i have been thinking about dying a lot. a lot about angels and things like that. i just want to be among someone or anything that loves me.

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Mar 22, 201022Mar108:42 am – monday. i’m going to do my best not to let the world crush me. i can do it. i am very fun. if people would only give me a chance. i am going to try to be strong. it’s not easy when i’m two seats down from the most manipulative person i have ever (and i mean Ever) met in my life. But i am going to try. i can do it. i think i just need some outside support.

11:10 am - too late. i want to die. my coworker basically told me i’m a kiss ass.

1:18 pm – i am trying to eat lunch. i am so depressed that i am moving so slow picking up and putting down my sandwich. my coworker says i alienate people. i’m sure i do. i am so desperate to be liked that i basically do anything. people know it. i just desperately need companionship. and ohhhh… i am Such a liar. my world has been filled with imagination since i was very young. i remember being 5 years old and the first time (that i recall at least) creating imaginative worlds inside my head. the joy of it was amazing. i loved it. still do. as a human i Need companionship. but alas i am a shut it. i want to go out to places with friends and laugh. i want to run through green fields with flowers with friends. i want to go to moveis. i want to go out drinking with friends and laugh. i need them so desperately. i want to be on a warm beach with friends collecting shells. i want to go hiking in the winter and cook marshmellows with friends. all these things i know people do. i can do all… just by myself.

i piece of chicken from my sandwich just fell on the floor. i still ate it. cuz i am a dog. i would lick it off the floor. don’t care. need friends. need need need friends. really need them. god i can hear my co-workers laughing and having fun during their lunch break. i want to be among them so desperately. i want to laugh with them. i have jokes. one wouldn’t belive it by these rantings, but i am fun. i love having fun. and i’m so loyal. and trusting. and caring. i would do anything for someone if there was even a slight possibility that they would be my friend. i would do anything for someone just cuz it’s the right thing to do. please please where are people. they’re all around. i hate myself. god i hate myself.

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Mar 16, 201016Mar10Well, i’m still hanging in there. i am doing my best to disregard the person who consistently ignores me. It is very hurtful. But i have said hello to this person, and s/he blatantly ignores me. fuck it. i can’t deal with it. i know most people would have come to the conclusion, “

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Mar 15, 201015Mar10Ah the ides of March. And i depression blogger with my Beyond Depression Blog am going to make an effort today. On Mondays i always feel refreshed from the weekend. i am going to try to Not let these people destroy me. i can do it. first, going to start with holding my head up. i can do it. i’m going to try. I’m going to try to be strong. i can do it.

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Mar 11, 201011Mar1010am – i think i have lost the will to live. stayed up too late last night. until 3. tired. eyes heavy. lonely. i am absolutely sick with lonliness. ok. i do have one person in my life. my significant other. i do love him. i can only hope he loves me. i do love him.

god i am tired. my fault tho, like the worthless piece of shit i am. great. now my co-workers are whispering to each other again. i hate that. i know they’re not talking about me, but still.. it’s rude. i wouldn’t do it. that is, If i had anyone to talk to.

my boss has his door closed. he just came back from like 3 back to back international business trips. he’s been basically absent for about a year. he used to compliment my work. now he doesn’t even look at it. why should he. it’s crap anyway. i am a designer, so in my case, my work is Supposed to be looked at. I’m really beginning to lose my motivation to create. Why should i create shit if no one looks at it. i’m tired.

not getting enough sleep makes anyone moody. me especially. Moody. That’s funny. that’s what i’m calling myself… moody. god, i don’t even deserve to speak i’m so worthless. i hate myself.

3:38pm – My coworker just insulted my work directly to my boss. no one has said hello to me. i am listening to music (very quietly so as not to disturb my coworkers of course) and there is a little guiter riff interlude. the guiters sound like they’re crying. and when i heard it, the inside of my lungs and my throat just ACHED. like my soul was crying.

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Mar 9, 201009Mar1010:02 AM

i think i’m hungover today. i know drinking makes depression worse, but oh well. my computer is kind of messed up today. oh well. that’s one of my mother’s favorite sayings by the way… “oh well.”

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Mar 8, 201008Mar10Have been at work for an hour and a half. That particular person did not say hi to me. one of my relatives is ill. no one cares. i care. i care to tears. really could use some love right now. have so much to give. no one wants to receive it.

Another thing. It would seem i can not have children. Good thing i suppose. would not want to populate the world with slugs like me. I’m going to cry again. Maybe if i itake a 4th prozac, that will help. sometimes it does. makes that tight forced smile i suppose.

what i’m really looking for is some kindness. i am very kind to people. but i know that my devastatingly low self esteem makes people feel uncomforable. i know it. But still, i just am in such desperate need of kindness. Truly would be the most loyal and true person ever. Listen to me, sounds like i’m describing a dog… loyal and true. Friggen useless. God i’m lonely.